Thank you, Di.

Sometimes i feel my days are not precious at all, but more of a burden to those around me. I am not of much practical use around here. I do not take good physical care of myself as i used to much less help others as much as i physically could at times.

As for the preciousness... other times i feel like... see i have kind of a big cosmic view of things... like about God too... my beliefs are not traditional... technically I would be agnostic I suppose, since that is the broadest category. However, i can relate what i believe to a concept of "God" as being a pervasive entity... a universal intelligence... comprising everything, and the ultimate "life force" if you will?

And that means me too, that means somehow if i am here, i am supposed to be, no matter how it feels. Like maybe that feeling has a teaching in it, for me, or for others to witness. I do not know because i cannot see the whole tapestry of life... the entirety of existence. It is beyond what we can know. It is beyond our tiny minds.

We have been taught, i believe, in different cultures, some basic tenets our minds can grasp, ways to see "a face of God" which enables us to discern good from evil. Free will comes in with this discernment. Some agnostics question the existence of good and evil. I have had perhaps too many "magical" experiences" or something, I don't know, and/or it goes back to some subtle Catholic underpinnings. (Indeed when i pray even this varies in form. Yes, I am wacky.)

But as for feelings... the "precious days" lost have become years ... years out of the full time work force. Years of blockage. Years of opportunity of retirement contributions not made, of family not had... of... utter standstill.

I am not sure if i will keep this med. More on that later.

Thank you for caring about me and thinking of my days as precious. Who knows, perhaps they are, even if i do not feel it. Thank you for making me contemplate on this.

~ waves ~

Dear Friend,

Suffering with this type of pain all the time and not just temporarily from side effects is just awful. Now, I am concerned because having anxiety and having heart issues are not incompatible. one could have both. This is my concern.

My goodness, Friend, this is really really really awful. Do you think it is like a PTSD type reaction - is it associated with people being somehow hurtful or insensitive to you? Especially friends or family? Panic attacks can feel just like heart attacks.

HOWEVER

What worries me thought is how long it goes on, and the radiation of pain through the armpit, arm, and back. And if you get upset, that can raise your blood pressure which in turn can cause underlying heart disturbances to manifest with symptoms such as you describe. Now, many heart problems are very simple to manage, so if it you had something wrong and were treated you would feel much better and not be so vulnerable to these episodes.. On the flip side, an undetected and untreated heart issue could become dangerous.

I am afraid of alarming you. On the other hand, I want make sure you are ok and stay that way!

Having anxiety and panic attacks does not mean there may not be heart issues. (You know, like, the "just because i'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get me." )

Could you see your GP and discuss this, and request a full cardiovascular workup? That should reveal any issues including past events. S/he should not have a problem ordering the tests for you. Medically, anxiety can be ascribed/dx'd as the cause of similar episodes only after cardiovascular problems are ruled out. Better safe than sorry!

Sooo... Will you see your doc for me? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

Can you describe this more? Does it hurt, or does it feel like it is being compressed? Are there areas which are more or less affected - for instance is it as though you were wearing a band that s too tight?

I am sorry you have all these issues. I know it is terrible and people really really do not get it at all.



~ waves ~

Hi BF... forgot to address this before. No i have not stopped anything cold turkey no way, LOL. Especially not when starting this med which lowers sz threshold. I have actually been very gradually increasing my benzo. Everything i have said here on this thread regarding my meds my pdoc and I have discussed, also, fwiw. He is currently on vacation though.

As for the auras. I normally have migraines, just not this many (It has varied over the past years, but has gone back down to 1 sometimes 2 around my menses. I now have increased sensitivity and also have them if i have alcohol at the wrong time of the month). I started having auras with and without migraines 6 years ago. My doctor is aware. They are always light-triggered too. I just read someplace that Wellbutrin increases light sensitivity. Sigh.

Yes nobody can understand the scrambled head stuff - and if you try to make them understand, then they look at you like you just turned into a green-headed alien or something - i don't know which is worse.

i can't afford to get anything like that right now nor even new shades (half broken) but i actually can sit my shades over my glasses. i have contacts too but... with sleeping on and off, it is a bother. this is the only one pair of shades i use for migraines. by pure coincidence they seem to block the most triggering part of the light spectrum for me - upper end blues and some violets. my regular glasses block UV of course. it makes using the computer hard because yellow looks similar to white and stuff like that but oh well. i also finally found the way to configure my screen to reduce brightness other than the keyboard controls, and also reduce blue emission. that helps. now if only i could do it to the stupid tv/monitor.

thanks for understanding

~ waves ~

CHANGES

nope, when i wrote that post i had been on 300mg for about 10 days i think... i had similar issues, including the chest pain, but none were debilitating when i was at 150.

===================
CHANGES IN PLAN

1. raised Depakote to 1 gram (as planned)
2. i will decrease the Wellbutrin.

For the past 2 days i have done 150/300mg intermittently according to symptoms - when better, took 300 next day... worse, took 150 following day. Symptoms were much milder on the 150 days. Surprise!

I am undecided as to what to do. There are a couple of alternatives:

===================
Option #1. do what i've been doing, take 300's and if sx get bad take a 150 intermittently
Option #2. take 150mg / 300mg systematically on alternate days.
Option #3. Return to 150 dosage until pdoc returns and i can get script for custom pills to titrate gradually

===================

Option #1 sets me up for some misery... but at this point it may be worth it to "run the gauntlet" and perhaps come through the other side. Or end up in ER?

Option #2 is interesting ... it averages out to 225mg / day ... but with considerable peaks and troughs in plasma level from day to day.

Option #3 makes no progress for now, since we already know the 150 dosage is sub-therapeutic. But it is a holding pattern.

===================

Another consideration for option #3.

standard release caps - custom dosage- YES!!

I stopped at the other pharmacy in town and they can make me bupropion standard release capsules to order... any strength scripted... 25mg, 50's 75's. It would be out of pocket but that would be doable just for titration from a stable 150mg to 300mg.

The first thing would have to be a clean switch to standard release at the same dosage, i.e. 50mg tid. I figure we could then titrate by 50mg at a time to 300mg starting with the earlier doses in the day.

eg. to step up to 200mg:

morning: 2 x 50mg (100mg)
afternoon: 1 x 50mg (50mg)
evening: 1 x 50mg (50mg)

the next step would be to increase the afternoon dose to 100mg, for a total of 250mg daily, and finally the evening dose.

Of course, all this would be subject to to pdoc's contemplation and approval... considering the side effects of the 300 dose he may prefer we just suspend.

i am reluctant to give it up...

An SSRI would be next best but I took one for a long time and it would be best to stay away for a good while. I do not tolerate SNRIs like Effexor/Cymbalta.

Plus, as I've said, this AD has been VERY effective for me in the past. Of course... the past... is history... and perhaps not applicable now.
===================
END MED STUFF
===================

Monday 17th. First appointment is Wednesday 19th i think (would have to check).
Yes, we can count down together. thank you.

~ waves ~

Dear Pam,


Thank you for writing and I appreciate you keeping me in your prayers. I know you understand too, because you too have been going through restlessness and "the unquiet mind" crud.
My friend... a very close one... kind of like a soul sister... she used to tell me bipolar was not really an illness it was a gift. Well, I tell ya, this gift has put her in hospital a couple of times (i insist it is because those close to her are in such great denial they are far from vigilant enough ... her suffering could have been avoided, but that is another story). I don't know though. It is like... where there is a chasm there is also a bridge... or something... her mind is like a jewel, and even if not all can see it... some can. And those who can, are blessed. I tell ya though, lately, i am not sure she would repeat that stuff about it being a gift the way things have been going. I am hoping she is ok.


thank you for sharing this. i am glad to know i have been able to bring you positive energy in some way. i feel just a tad less useless right now. :hug

~ waves ~

Hugs to you waves
((((((HUGS))))))
beth

Thank you waves. These pains around the center of my chest happen when anxiety starts to build up.

Yes,I think that I have a form of Post Traumatic Stress syndrome,because of many bad memories of the past.

These anxieties started with panic attacks,and then I'd have a real stiff neck,up to the back of my head,and I'd have pressure in my forehead,and on the top of my head,and above my ears,and a bad feeling in the back of my head.

It was hard going to school,because of that feeling in the back of my head,and my neck feeling stiff. My neck use to shake sometimes,so I didn't want anyone to sit behind me. I would sit in the back of the class if I could. I didn't have a choice when I went to military school though. I had a real struggle there. In the second year at military school I was becoming very nervous,and I could not get help at the clinic. The nurse would shake her head,and send me away after awhile.

I don't feel that stiffness in my neck like I use to when I was a teenager,for it has moved to the center of my chest.

I still have this uncomfortable feeling just above my eyes,that goes down to the back of my neck muscles,and I feel my head shaking sometimes. My eye's shake sometimes,but not like they did when I was in my upper teens.

Doctors have been baffled with my anxiety symptoms. I don't understand it. No one else understands it. I get these strange looks when I'm explaining my symptoms.

I've had EEG's,and other examinations,and they don't know what the heck it is. My heart is healthy,and I don't have a physical problems. There's no heart disease on both sides of the family. There is something that is in the family on my mothers side. My grand mother had ALS,her daughter,my mother had MS,my sister has a progressive bad case of MS.

I do have a bad case of allergys,and have air purifiers in every room. It seems like I have allergy attacks,and anxiety attacks at the same time sometimes.

I know that what I have is not understood. It seems to be a combination of OCD,panic disorder,chronic anxiety,depression,and learning problems which I'm going to have checked soon. I may have Attention deficet Disorder,or something like it. BF

Thank you for the explanations. How frustrating for you. But I am relieved that you have had the checkups and so have ruled out many possible and scary explanations. Still sucks you have to live with this. I hope you find a solution.

It is interesting about having allergy attacks in proximity or along with anxiety/panic attacks. Both can affect the same areas physiologically, disturbing one's breathing in particular. So it could be that either one sets off the other quite easily for you.



~ waves ~

I have decided on
i have filled my pillminder accordingly. I will do this until I see my pdoc. then we can decide, based on how i do until then,

-- if this dosing is itself therapeutic, and continue this.
-- whether to step up another little bit: say 2 days 300 / 1 day 150
-- whether to try stepping up to the full 300mg again
-- whether to use a custom script to titrate further if needed

so far today i took a 300 and am ok. but i think i took 150's both yesterday and the day before by accident. (now i'm writing it down! )

~ waves ~

I've put my pills in those little 4 a day,7 days a week pill containers that you can buy in the pharmacys. That way I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have taken the right dosage.

I hope that this helps. It helps me. BF